Fall Down On Me
by SugaKane01
Summary: Derek finds out Spencer's darkest secret. Can their love survive?  Its Morgan/Reid Slash, so if that's not your thing you might want to keep it moving.  Contains Mentions of Sexual Abuse, rated M to be on the safe side.
1. Stop and Stare

A/N This fic was inspired by the scene in The Instincts where Spencer has his nightmare and screams for Morgan and the scene in Memoriam when he's under hypnosis. Of course it spins spectacularly away from canon after that. Also it needs to be noted for the purposes of this fic Rossi knows about Carl Buford. And JJ is still with the BAU because CM without JJ is just all kinds of wrong.

I'm still working on Wicked Games, just had this rolling around in my brain so I let it out. This was meant to be a one-shot and grew from there.

**Mild Spoilers for The Fisher King, The Boogeyman, Sex Birth Death, Profiler Profiled, No Way Out, The Big Game, Revelations, No Way Out II, In Name and Blood, Elephant's Memory, Lo-Fi, Mayhem, The Instincts and Memoriam.**

**Warning: CONTAINS MENTION OF SEXUAL ABUSE**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any other recognizable characters and I' m not making any money from this, *checks pockets* dang it, still broke. :)**

**Chapter 1 Stop and Stare**

Derek stood off to the side and watched as Reid offered words of comfort to the UnSub's latest-and thanks to them-last victim.

It had been an emotionally draining case; four boys over the course of ten weeks had been kidnapped, raped and murdered. They'd all been young, gifted and enrolled in the same private school. The fifth victim, Jason Cooper, stood off to the side, clinging to SSA Dr. Spencer Reid, refusing to let him go and insisting he was not a victim. Jason apparently hadn't been kidnapped. The fifteen year old had been telling anyone who would listen that he loved the UnSub, had gone willingly and the sex had been consensual and there was no way his "boyfriend" had hurt any of those other boys as he loved him and would never "cheat" on him. Derek's stomach was churning at the boys claims and Reid was attempting to calm the boy enough so that the EMT's could check him over.

Derek knew the team's youngest agent had an incredible amount of empathy and compassion, but he was surprised Spencer was the one interacting with the victim. Rossi had pulled him from the station and insisted on his presence at the scene. Derek couldn't help but wonder why.

It wasn't that he doubted Spencer's abilities. He'd proven himself over and over again and Derek trusted him with his life. In fact if this had been a case of trying to talk down an UnSub then Reid's presence would have been a no brainer and Derek probably would have been the first one insisting on letting the kid run point. But this, Rossi insisting on Reid out in the field and Reid being given kid duty, was a break in the pattern, a shifting in not only the roles they usually took within the team, but in the team dynamics as well, especially where Rossi and Reid were concerned.

Rossi's interactions with Reid had raised Derek's suspicions the entire case. The usually gruff profiler had all but coddled Reid during the case. He'd been overtly protective of and attentive to Spencer, even snapping at Emily when she'd casually teased Spencer about a remark he'd made. For his part, Spencer was grateful for and actually seemed to take comfort in Dave's change in attitude and that was _not _typical of the good doctor. Spencer hated being the center of attention. Years of being either a target or a novelty had made him perfect the art of fading into the background, which was why the way he'd reacted to Rossi's attentions caught Derek by surprise.

That was what had cinched it for Derek, the break in well established patterns by both men. Usually Derek was the one the team took extra care of when dealing with cases like this. Because of that, he understood why Hotch and Rossi had kept him on the perimeter of the actual arrest. Once they'd found out the UnSub was a highly sought after private tutor who had been molesting his students for years Derek's rage had, on several occasions, nearly overcome his professionalism. He knew the senior profilers were, in their way, protecting him. What he didn't understand was why after Hotch had broken the UnSub and he'd given up Jason's location Rossi had insisted on Reid going with them and on Reid being the one to stay with Jason. Derek hadn't understood the undercurrents going on between Rossi and Reid during the case and it was troubling him.

"Something bothering you Morgan?" Rossi's firm but gentle voice interrupted Derek's musing.

Derek debated whether or not to let Rossi in on his thoughts. In the end his curiosity won out and he turned to the older profiler and simply asked "Why Reid?"

Rossi didn't pretend to misunderstand. He looked over to where Reid was helping Jason into the ambulance and then up towards the inky night sky. He had suspected that Reid never told Morgan while they were in Vegas more than one traumatic childhood memory had clawed its way to the surface. Rossi didn't want to betray a confidence but at the same time, his instincts were telling him that even though it wasn't his secret to tell, it was one Morgan needed to know, especially if his two co-workers were as involved as he suspected they were.

"You don't have to be a profiler to see the similarities." Rossi replied

Derek nodded. It didn't take a profiler to see Reid in all the victims. They may not have been child prodigies but they were all extremely intelligent young men, they'd all had trouble with bullying at the school, they all had troubled home lives that had left them vulnerable and a young Spencer Reid could have easily been Jason's twin. None of that answered Derek's question though. Reid was notorious for being awkward with children, save Jack and Henry, so much so the team had coined the phrase "The Reid Effect". Rossi knew all about The Reid Effect, had even seen it play out in all its awkward glory and yet didn't seem to have taken it into consideration when bringing Reid out to the scene.

"So the only reason you insisted on Reid's presence was that if he were 15 years younger he'd fit the victimology?" Derek questioned his skepticism apparent.

"Not the only reason." Rossi replied.

Derek sighed in frustration. It was clear Rossi had a reason for insisting on Spencer's presence. It was just as clear that he wasn't going to just come out and tell Derek what it was.

"Rossi-" Derek began, fed up with the psychological cat and mouse game they were playing.

"Derek," Rossi said holding up his hands, "I had my reasons, and given the results," Rossi gestured towards the ambulance that now housed Jason and Reid, "I'd say there's no question I was right. I know you're wondering why Reid and not you given your own personal connection to these types of cases but trust me when I tell you I knew what I was doing. Anything beyond that and you'll need to ask Reid."

Rossi's words did nothing but pile concern on top of Derek's curiosity. "What do you mean I need to ask Reid? What do you know that I don't Rossi?" Derek's tone was low and harsh, since he and Spencer had gone from being friends to lovers Derek was even more protective of him than he'd been in the past and he didn't like the implication in Rossi's carefully chosen words.

Rossi didn't respond immediately. When he finally spoke his voice was soft. "You said earlier that if Reid were fifteen years younger he would have fit the victimology. Think about that, profile it, Reid at Jason's age. He would have been at Caltech, thousands of miles from anything familiar and fresh off years of relentless bullying and torment by his peers. He would have been reluctant to socialize and hard pressed to find anyone in his peer group to form a bond with had he wanted to. He would have been surrounded by older, more dominant personalities. Reid had been abandoned by his father and his mother's mental illness rendered her unable to be an effective parental figure. He had an advocate whose interest in him began and ended in making sure he attended and passed his courses. He would have been young, isolated, lonely and vulnerable."

Derek felt his chest constrict. Rossi's "profile" of a young Spencer was painting a picture that wasn't the least bit pleasant and had Derek clenching his jaw so tightly it threatened to shatter. He took several deep breaths to get his emotions back under control. "Just what are you getting at Rossi?" Derek asked, afraid he knew _exactly_ what Rossi was getting at.

Rossi wasn't fooled. He knew that Derek was too close to both Spencer and the subject matter and too good a profiler not to know exactly what Rossi's not saying. He looked at his friend, "Like I said before, anything else you need to ask Reid." He gave Derek's shoulder a squeeze and walks away.

The parents arrive on the scene and after a few minutes Spencer leaves them with encouraging words and his card. He made his way back over to Derek. Spencer was about to speak but something in Derek's body language is off. He seemed troubled, sad and a little bit angry and that unsettled Spencer. "Um, Derek? I-Is something wrong? I mean, other than…." Spencer trails off as he makes a sweeping motion with his hand to encompass the scene.

Derek sighed. The last thing he wants to do is upset Spencer. Besides he's not sure if he can vocalize just what he's feeling yet. He gives Spencer a small but sincere smile, "I'm good Pretty Boy. Just tired." Derek paused then continued, "You did good tonight, Spencer. Jason seemed to really take to you."

Spencer tensed just a bit, his breathing changes and there's a brief flash of something unrecognizable in his eyes, then it's gone. It's a blink and you miss it moment, over before it really begins and easy to overlook. Except that Derek didn't blink and he didn't overlook it. Before he can think about it too much Hotch calls with instructions for both of them so they part ways and get on with the business of wrapping up the case, his conversation with Rossi and the look he'd seen in Spencer's eyes playing over and over in Derek's mind. He resolved to ask Spencer all the questions that were rolling around in his mind.


	2. Whenever Your World Starts Crashing Down

**Chapter 2 Whenever Your World Starts Crashing Down **

It was three days later when Derek finally decides to ask. He and Spencer are at home watching 300. Or rather they are supposed to be watching 300, but they're really just cuddling. Derek decides to take the bull by the horns and voice what's been troubling him but just then Spencer starts explaining that the film is lacking in historical accuracy.

"Did you know that The Battle of Thermopylae was actually fought by an alliance of Greek city states that were led by the Spartans but not exclusively made up of them? Its been estimated that on that third and final day of battle the Greek contingent numbered 1500, even though most people are under the impression that a lone 300 Spartans participated in the battle.. Apparently a force of about 400 Thebans and 700 Thespians stayed behind to fight alongside the Spartans. Also, there is some debate as to Leonidas' motivations for-remaining behind. The Greeks were retreating and had the entire force tried to retreat at once they would have all been slaughtered. Strategically speaking they had retreat in phase's otherwise-mmph"

Spencer's lecture is cut short when Derek kisses him and in that moment all thoughts of Spartans, Persians and ancient battles scatter and all Spencer can focus on is Derek: The feel of his stubble against his skin, the smell of his cologne in his nostrils and slick slip and slide of his tongue as he explores his mouth. When Derek's hand snakes its way around to the nape of his neck and his fingers thread through his hair, pulling it slightly and tilting Spencer's head so he can get a better angle and Spencer feels the pull and tug from Derek's hands divesting him of his clothing and pushing him down on the couch, Spencer decides 300 is his favorite movie _ever. _

Derek knows he shouldn't be surprised but he always is. Its been almost a year but he's still awed by how Spencer has the ability to get him from zero to sixty like _that. _Its never been like this for Derek, he's never looked into someone's eyes and felt like he could just _get lost_ there. He's never made a mental map of all the planes and curves, blemishes and freckles in someone else's skin. He's never taken anyone home to meet his mama, he's never woken up at dark thirty in the morning just to watch his lover sleep and he's never had someone else's clothes in his closet and shoes under his bed and while he's had plenty of sex before (he is, after all, _Derek Morgan_) he's fairly certain that until Spencer he'd never made love.

It isn't until later, as they lay side by side in bed, sated and satisfied with Derek replaying every gasp, moan, arch and thrust in his head that Derek remembers he what he was going to say. Actually, he doesn't exactly remember. He's reminded when Spencer's cell phone goes off.

Spencer groans. "Please don't be JJ. Please don't be JJ" Spencer chanted as he reached for his phone. "Thank goodness, it's not JJ." Derek laughs and Spencer pouts.

"Gonna pick that up, Pretty Boy?" Derek teases

Spencer squints at the number on the screen. "I'm not sure who it is." He murmurs, as he presses the button. "Hello? Yes this Dr. Reid. Jason? No, no it's fine, like I said you can call anytime day or night. So how are you-" Spencer's talking to Jason, moving out of the bed, pulling on Derek's bathrobe and making his way toward the living room.

_It's Jason_, Spencer mouths as he points to the phone. Derek shrugs. "Take your time babe." He says closing his eyes. Derek sighs and settles into the covers. He's drifting, half listening to the conversation, half sinking into the oblivion of post coital sleep. He figures he'll catch a quick nap while Spencer's on the phone so he'll be firing on all cylinders by the time Spencer gets back to bed.

That plan goes out the window though when he hears what Spencer says to the kid on the way out the door. Suddenly Derek is wide awake and hoping against hope he isn't hearing Spencer clearly.

"I know it's hard, I know it hurts. You thought you had finally found someone to love and protect you. You thought you finally had something good and it helped ease the pain and take away the loneliness and when people told you it was wrong and bad you didn't want to believe it because that meant that he was just one more person who hurt you, one more person who let you down. That meant the only person who you could get to love you was a monster and there's no hope for you. But trust me there is. What he is has nothing, nothing to do with you. There's nothing wrong with you, Jason. You deserve good things. You deserve to feel safe, and to be loved. You don't deserve the torment, the isolation, the loneliness. I know you want to give up right now but I promise you if you hold on, if you just hold on you _will _get through this and it _will _get better." Spencer paused, putting on his slippers and listening as Jason spoke, "Yeah, it took me a long time to realize that and to believe anyone could love me after -"

Spencer's out the door. He's in the living room and Derek can't hear him. Derek doesn't need to hear him though because he _knows._ He knows why Spencer needed support during that last case. He knows why Rossi was so attentive and protective. He knows why Jason clung to Spencer when he wouldn't let anyone else close to him. He _knows._

Except, he doesn't know. He's got the general idea, and that sickens him. It enrages him actually and he's up and out of bed, dragging on his sweats and yanking on his tee shirt, and thinking of all the things he's learned from UnSubs over the years about how to cause pain, how to torture without actually killing because, God as his witness, he's going to do ever single one of them to the bastard that hurt Spencer. He's going to hunt the S.O.B down and he's going to _hurt _him. Hotch can have his credentials because Derek is going to track the guy down and when he finds him he'll wish he'd never been born. He's going to break every bone in his body. He's going to tear him apart with his bare hands. He's going to make him scream so loud he wakes the dead and then Derek's-

Derek's got no idea who he's looking for. With the Greek tragedy that made up Reid's early years he doesn't even know at point in Spencer's life this would have happened to him. Jesus, he can't even think the word, not in relation to Spencer. Derek thinks about what Spencer must have been like as a child: smarter than most adults, ostracized by his peers, weighed down by his responsibilities, all innocence and purity. He wonders how and when Spencer came across such a monster.

It hits Derek like a ton of bricks when he remembers Rossi's words from the other night. "_He would have been at Caltech, thousands of miles from anything familiar and fresh off years of relentless bullying and torment by his peers. He would have been reluctant to socialize and hard pressed to find anyone in his peer group to form a bond with had he wanted to. He would have been surrounded by older, more dominant personalities…he would have been young, isolated, lonely and vulnerable."_

Derek thinks about what Spencer's told him about his Caltech days and he suddenly realizes that Spencer rarely mentions his time there. Sure he talks about classes he took, professors he had and of course the day he met Gideon but he never, not once, talks about his _life_ there. Given that Rossi _and how the hell does Rossi know when Derek didn't_ specifically mentioned Caltech and Spencer's reticence to speak of his time there, Derek's pretty sure that's where "it" happened. Jesus Derek, "it"? Derek knows exactly what "it" is, thanks to Carl Buford he knows all too well. The idea of Spencer going through the same kind of hell he did breaks Derek's heart. Derek pads his way into living room, standing just in the shadows, watching Spencer.

"…I'm not sure if I'm role model material but I'm honored. No don't worry about it, working for the FBI isn't exactly conducive to sleep. I'm just glad I could help. You're welcome. You too Jason. Goodnight." Spencer's done with his call. He's in the fridge; drinking Derek's organic juice right out of the carton (Derek _knew _it. Spencer denied it, but Derek knew Spencer had been drinking his juice.) humming to himself.

Derek's overwhelmed. Spencer is so beautiful and he loves him so much that for a moment Derek's urge to seek out and destroy the soulless creature that hurt his beautiful genius is overtaken by his need to crush Spencer to him, tell him how much he loves him, how much he's changed his life, how grateful he is to have him and how nothing, _nothing_, could ever make Derek look at him differently or love him less.

Spencer puts the juice back in the fridge and turns around. "Oh!" He catches sight of Derek in the hallway and flushes a delicate pink. "I, uh, ah…it's really good juice." He says sheepishly. Spencer sees Derek smile at him but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. Derek's quiet and Spencer starts to feel uneasy. He begins to wonder just how much of his conversation Derek overheard and just how many dots he's connected. Spencer swallows hard. He's known ever since that night at the crime scene that Derek had something on his mind, something to do with Spencer. He also knows that while he may be the one with an IQ of 187, Derek Morgan is no slouch and he and Rossi weren't exactly masters of subtly. Spencer shuffled nervously. Derek looked angry and Spencer could only hope that anger wasn't directed at him, that Derek wasn't standing there feeling betrayed.

"Derek, I-"

"Spencer, I-"

They both start at the same time. Spencer bit his lower lip and looks at the floor. He can't look at Derek. He's too afraid of what he's going to see there. The silence stretches out between them and Spencer starts jumping to the worst case scenario. Derek knew, he knew and he was angry. He was angry with him. The tension is palpable and Spencer starts to shake. He felt the lump forming in his throat and the tears start to burn his eyes and blur his vision and he just couldn't stand it anymore.

"Please," He whispers brokenly, "Please, please, please don't be mad at me. I didn't mean to lie to you, I just-"

The sight of Spencer standing there, trembling, crying and begging Derek not to be mad at _him _had Derek crossing the distance between them in three strides, pulling Spencer into his arms,and holding him in an embrace so tight that it almost hurt. Derek wished he just keep Spencer in his arms where he knew he'd always be safe. "Shh, shh baby. Its ok, its ok, just hush now. I could never, _ever, _be mad at you. I love you, Spencer and nothing, _nothing_ is ever going to change that. You hear me?" Derek soothed.

Spencer collapsed under the weight of his relief. He pressed himself into the wall of Derek's chest and held onto him like a drowning man clinging to a life preserver. Spencer was so grateful, he just wept. Derek wasn't angry at him. He still loved him. He let himself melt into Derek and they just stood there holding each other, taking comfort in the embrace.


	3. A Cross On His Crown

**Chapter 3 A Cross On His Crown**

Eventually Derek guided them over to the couch. He ran his hands through Spencer's hair and pressed a kiss to the side of his head. Spencer drew in a shaky breath and pulled back enough so that he could look Derek in the eyes.

"I wanted to tell you, I just never knew how. It didn't seem…fair of me. Not when, not when you were so…you know, about Carl." Spencer whispered.

Derek swore. "Spencer, baby, I love you. Part of that means I get to be there for you, you get to lay down your burdens baby. That's how this works. I would have-"

"I know you would have. That's why I didn't say anything. Even though we weren't…together when everything about Carl came out, you were always protecting me, looking out for me. After we got back from Chicago, that was the first time you'd ever leaned on me and I wanted you to lean on me! I wanted to be able to be there for you for once. And I knew if I told you…that I'd had a similar experience you'd want details. And once you got them you'd focus on me instead of you and you needed to focus on you. You needed to heal and you couldn't do that if you were…distracted. There were already so many other things going on." Spencer poured out. He chanced a glance at Derek and then continued, "And then…I just…_Tobias _and everything after that. By the time we got together I just…it had been so long and I didn't know how to tell you without seeming like I'd been keeping it from you_._" Spencer whispered.

Derek knew what Spencer meant. When the team found out about what Derek had endured at Carl's hands, it was right in the middle of one of the most emotionally draining times for them. Elle had been shot and then left under questionable circumstances, Emily had just transferred in, Frank had come along and gotten to Gideon in ways not even Adrian Bale had and Spencer had barely gotten his footing back under him after his experience with Nathan Harris. Just when the smoke was clearing and Derek thought things were getting better they'd taken that case from Georgia and everything had gone to hell in a hand basket. They'd found Spencer two days later, next to a half dug grave and the dead body of Tobias Hankel who would never know how lucky he was Derek had never gotten his hands on him. Spencer had only been in Hankel's clutches for two days, but it had taken them months to truly get him back and then when the kid was _finally_ making it to the other side of the mountain, Gideon disappeared on them.

Looking back, it was that time that led them to where they were now. They'd always been close, but all those blows back to back made them inseparable. They both needed something solid to hold onto and be able to count on and somehow they'd chosen each other. Derek went from looking at Spencer like a kid brother he wanted to protect to feeling anything but brotherly about him. To this day Derek isn't quite sure when they went from bromance to romance, but he knows when it became something he couldn't ignore.

They were down in Texas and Spencer had taken off his vest, blocked his shot and stood in the middle of the street to talk down a kid hell bent on making an entire town feel his pain. Later, back in their hotel room all of Derek's pent up emotions had boiled over. Derek had thrown Spencer up against the wall with every intention of yelling at him and had ended up kissing him senseless. It wasn't until later, after clothes had been ripped and torn, after their mouths were bruised from kissing and biting, and after Spencer had moaned and begged at the feel of Derek inside him, that Derek had told him how scared he'd been and how he couldn't lose him and Spencer had quietly confessed he felt the same way every time Derek was in danger. They decided to take it slow, but then New York had happened and when he'd gotten back Derek had found Spencer curled up in his bed, holding Clooney and they'd realized they had taken it slow for years and they couldn't afford to take it any slower. Spencer had never gone back to his apartment after that night, except to pack.

And now they were here, sitting on their couch, once again turning on the light and looking under the bed for the monster. Derek tightened his hold on Spencer. "Its ok baby." Derek took a deep breath and went for broke, "You can tell me now baby."

Spencer was in awe. Of all the ways he'd imagined this conversation going, this wasn't one of them. Derek wasn't supposed to be sympathetic and understanding. He was supposed to feel angry and betrayed. He was supposed to look at Spencer full of loathing and accusation. Derek was supposed to be resentful. He was supposed to call Spencer a hypocrite and vow to never trust him again. This quiet support, this unconditional love, the unwavering trust, was more than Spencer had dared hope for.

"Y-you have every right to be angry-" Spencer started.

"Oh trust me baby, I'm angry." Derek broke in bitterly. He felt Spencer stiffen in his arms. "I'm angry Spencer, but not at you. Never at you baby."

Spencer relaxed. He bit his lower lip and looked down at the floor. "I-I was 13. I had been at Caltech for a few months and…it was only marginally better than high school. I wasn't outright attacked anymore but it was still bad. I was too young for anyone to want to socialize with and my advocate was only concerned with my GPA and that I wasn't being beaten, starved or showing any outward signs of maltreatment. I was lonely, even more so than I'd been in Vegas." Spencer stopped, gathered himself and continued.

"I was taking philosophy and…and we were studying the Allegory of the Cave. I had questions and our professor told me I had to expand my consciousness. I still don't know what she meant. But the TA, Alexander Bartlett, he came over and, and told me that he'd taken the class before and he could help me understand what she was looking for, if I wanted." Derek's breathing becomes shallow and Spencer swallows before he pressed on.

"He…I…we s-started meeting in my dorm room on Thursdays. He was…he was the first person who'd taken any kind of interest in me. Alex was in grad school getting a psychology degree, and he, he helped me with the work in that class too. It, I, I was so lonely and he was…interested in me. Nobody had been interested in so long, so I told him about…everything. He listened and he…he helped. He took me places, he hung out with me, and he made me feel…special. He was handsome and smart and popular and I couldn't believe he was willing to waste time hanging out with me." Spencer sneaks a glance at Derek.

'I…I developed a c-crush. And one day, after he'd taken me to a physics lecture, I got up enough nerve to tell him. We were sitting on steps of my dorm and I told him and then I kissed him and ran away. Or tried to. He followed me up to my room and wouldn't leave until I opened the door and let him in. When I did…" Spencer trails off.

"I never even…considered it abuse. I mean, I knew intellectually that my age meant he could get into trouble but emotionally, I…emotionally I didn't feel like a victim. I mean, I initiated it, I started the-"

"Spencer," Derek cut in. He'd promised himself he'd be quiet and let Spencer tell his story but this was a road he _refused_ to let Spencer travel. "You were thirteen. You were a _child_. This was not your fault."

Spencer huffed a small laugh. "He, he used to tell me he would have never had the courage to pursue me. He used to say if it hadn't been for me kissing him we would have never-"

"You know that's complete and total-"

"I know." Spencer says with just the trace of a tremor in his voice. "Now. But I didn't back then. Back then I felt like I'd seduced him. Back then I didn't see him as anything other than my boyfriend. I…I thought I loved him and he loved me and that we just had to keep things secret for a few years until I was 18 and then we'd live happily ever after." Spencer gives a rueful laugh. "I guess that proves how much of a child I really was, genius or not."

Derek's trying, really trying to control his temper. The fact that Spencer, all these years later, can still have that tremor in his voice, that little speck of doubt that lets Derek know he still believes on some level that he was responsible, makes Derek's blood boil. He wants to yell. He wants to scream. He wants to hit something but he knows that's not what Spencer needs. So he doesn't. He sits quietly and let's Spencer talk.

"I know what you're thinking." Spencer says quietly. "And I agree. I was thirteen, he was 25. Clearly I couldn't consent to anything. I was young, isolated and vulnerable and the perfect victim for a pedophile. But at the time, I couldn't see any of that. All I could see was that I _liked_ it. I liked being with him. I liked what he did to me and what he let me do to him. I liked how he made me feel special. I decided that meant I wasn't a victim. Victims endure not encourage. I encouraged it. I begged for it-" Spencer's in tears now, trying valiantly to hold onto his composure.

It's too much for Derek. "Spencer, it wasn't-"

"NO! Don't tell me it wasn't my fault. You weren't there. You don't know. I wasn't like you. I didn't hate the feel of his hands on me. I didn't cry for him to stop. I didn't…I started it and I didn't even _know _what he was and what he was making me. I never saw it, not once…some genius I am." Spencer bitterly spews as his resolve cracks and he completely breaks down in Derek's arms.

Derek holds him, smoothing his hair, delicately running his hand up and down his spine and whispering promises that it would all be ok.


	4. Like The Open Seas and Shore

**Chapter 4 Like The Open Seas and Shore**

Spencer eventually calms down. After a few moments he takes a shaky breath and starts to speak again. "I-"

"Spencer," Derek breaks in gently but firmly, "You do _not _have to put yourself through this. If need to shut this down right now and never speak of it again, that's what we'll do."

Spencer's aware that as badly as Derek wants to know the whole story he means every word he's just said. They can stop this, Spencer can push it all to the back of his mind. They'd never talk about it again and Derek wouldn't think any less of him. He's pretty sure he's never loved Derek more. "No, Derek…its ok. I'm ok. I need to say it and you need to hear it." He says firmly.

Derek exhales slowly and nods.

Spencer closes his eyes and continues. "It was almost three years before anyone found out what he was. Alex..he'd finished grad school and was working at a program counseling troubled teens. He…he got arrested at work one day. Several of the boys came forward with accusations. I didn't believe it at first…but then the police found pictures and…I didn't have much choice. I still didn't think he'd done anything to _me_ other than break my heart until Gideon-"

"Gideon knew?" Derek was shocked.

"Other than you, Gideon's the only person I've ever told. He's the one who helped me see things for what they really were." Spencer confirmed.

"Wait, so you never told anyone else? What about the cops? Your mom? What about Rossi? He-"

"Alex kept all the photos he took of me with me so the cops never found them. My mom…Derek you know that wouldn't have gone well, even on one of her lucid days. And Dave was in the room with me when I went under hypnosis in Vegas." Spencer reminded Derek. "Apparently when you go digging up traumatic childhood memories you don't get to pick and choose which ones rear their ugly head. I talked about it, evidently gave enough details that Dave was able to make some inquiries and fill in the blanks. He came to me a few days after we got back and told me knew, made no apologies for digging into my past and then told me I'd just inherited a, and I'm quoting, crazy Italian uncle, so I'd better get used to leaning on someone because he wasn't going anywhere." Spencer smiled at the memory. "At first I was angry and mortified that he'd violated my privacy but …now I'm grateful. Dave's…as far as honorary uncles go I really couldn't have a better one."

"So that's why Rossi insisted on you talking to Jason." Derek asks

"He knew I'd be able to relate. He was right. Jason is having a hard time seeing himself as a victim right now…I know how that feels." Spencer says.

Derek makes a mental note to send Rossi a box of cigars. "What uh, what happened to," Derek chokes on _his _name, "Alexander?"

Spencer goes stock still. "He made bail," Spencer starts slowly,"andthenhedisappeared." Spencer finishes in a rush. That was the one aspect of the story he'd had rather not told Derek.

Derek closes his eyes and prays for enough self control _not_ to say all the things going through his mind. "So he never paid for his crimes?"

Spencer is staring at the carpet like it's the answer to all of life's mysteries. "No…he's never stood trial, never been found."

"Has anyone tried?" Derek asks evenly.

"There was a massive manhunt at first, but eventually other cases took priority. Every so often he's profiled on crime shows and there's a reward out for him but I highly doubt anyone is actively working the case at this point."

Derek is. As of this moment, Derek's making it his mission to find Alexander Bartlett and make him pay. But that could wait. Right now he needed to make sure Spencer was ok. "You ok baby?"

Spencer gives him a smile. "I'm…yeah. I'm ok. I just really want you to take me to bed now. Just..if you want to that is."

Derek kisses Spencer, and its slow and sweet and full of love and acceptance and Spencer just lets himself fall into it. Spencer moans and Derek pushes him down into the couch cushions. Spencer winds his arms around Derek and whispers "I want you." Derek doesn't ask him what he wants because he knows what Spencer wants but more importantly he knows what Spencer needs and he plans to make sure he gets it.

Hours later, while Spencer sleeps peacefully on rumples sheets, Derek slowly untangles himself from his lover, grabs his cell phone off the dresser and pads into the living room. He hits speed dial and waits.

"M'gan. D'you know what time it is?" Rossi's voice is gravelly, full of sleep and irritation.

"He told me Dave." Derek doesn't apologize for waking Rossi up. He knows, given the reason for his call, he doesn't have to.

Rossi's silent for a beat. "I'm glad. I assume though that isn't what you called to tell me."

"Rossi, the guy jumped bail then disappeared. I can't let that go. He abused kids…he abused _**Spencer**_ and he just walked away. I can't-"

"Morgan." Rossi's voice is quiet but demanding.

"Yeah?"

"The file's in my desk at work. Gideon had done some digging and found several alias' the guy used. I've had Garcia keeping an unofficial eye out for any activity on any of his know alias' since we got back from Vegas. I've been going over the family's finances, I suspect they've been financing his life underground. Yesterday I found something hinky going on in a couple of the accounts and had Garcia look into it. I think I may have found him, or at least found where the family is sending money to."

Derek's gripping the phone so tightly he's afraid he's going to break it. "I-"

"I know kid, trust me I know. Come to my office, first thing tomorrow morning and I'll show you what I've got."

"Thanks Rossi. I'll be there."

"Good. Now hang up, go back to bed and let me get some god damn sleep."

Derek laughed. "Ok ok, night Rossi."

"Night." Rossi clicked off.

Derek creeps back into the bedroom. Spencer hasn't moved from the spot where he left him. Derek looks at Spencer, at how beautiful he is and Derek feels his breath catch in his throat. He slips in beside Spencer and gathers him to him, wrapping his arms around him and tangling their legs together. He drags tiny, chaste kisses along his shoulder blade and the nape of his neck and promises that he'll always love him, he'll always be there for him and that he'll always keep him safe. Derek falls asleep with his arms full of Spencer, his heart full of love, and his head full of all the ways he's going to make Bartlett pay when he finds him.


End file.
